Love Bombing, Catfishing and Co: These dangers lurk in online dating
Online dating can be a lot of fun. After all, according to a YouGov survey, 80% of Swiss people use online dating platforms, but only 6% spend money on them. Even if love makes you happy – you should still leave the rose-coloured glasses in the drawer, because as Wanda the owl said in BoJack Horseman: “When you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”. And we’ll tell you about some of these dangers in this article.
Note: This article discusses psychological concepts and legal issues. The tips in this article do not replace advice from a professional psychologist or a lawyer.
Love Bombing
Being showered with gifts and compliments: Who doesn’t love that? But love bombing is often nothing more than psychological manipulation. Within a very short time, your chat partner showers you with gifts, attentions, compliments and expressions of love. The world seems perfect.
The nasty surprise finally comes in the relationship. Your partner demands something in return for all the attention, and if you don’t meet those expectations, they blame you, devalue you, accuse you of selfishness, ignore you or even become aggressive. Before you know it, you are in a relationship where your partner wants to control you.
Love bombers are often especially people with narcissistic personality disorder. Inside, narcissists are deeply insecure and try to compensate for this insecurity through constant attention. These negative aspects of love bombing have only been considered for a few years, which is why the number of studies on this subject is very limited.
Reading tips:
Psychology Today: The Danger of Manipulative Love-Bombing in a Relationship
Ihrweg.com (German): 7 signs that it’s “love bombing” and not true love
Lifehack.org: 15 signs you are in a relationship with a narcissist
How to protect yourself
“Love is blind”, this saying also applies when dealing with Love Bombers. Before you know it, you are in a relationship with a Love Bomber and overlook the negative personality traits of the other person. Ask yourself: Do you find yourself equal and worthy in this relationship? Would you be financially able to match the value of these gifts? If the answer is no, it means that there will be a relational imbalance.
In a relationship with narcissists, it is important to set boundaries, both financially and personally. A narcissist’s desire to control you is great. In the worst case, you have no choice but to leave the relationship.
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Ignore▶️ Do not accept gifts▶️ Set boundaries▶️ End relationship |
Catfishing
In Catfishing, your chat partner pretends to be someone other than what they really are. Successful, good-looking, in the middle of life – but in reality the person looks completely different. The term catfishing for people with false online identities was first coined in 2010 with Nev Schulman’s documentary of the same name. While fakes are usually easy to spot (more on this below), catfisher are more cunning. They make up a complete life story. The reasons are many: some need likes, some feel lonely or shy, others are insecure about their sexuality and pretend to be the opposite sex to gain experience. But there are also people with bad intentions who are only out for chaos.
Reading tips:
NordVPN: What is catfishing and what do I do about it?
How to protect yourself
There is also a fitting saying for Catfishing: “Too good to be true”. But if you take off the rose-coloured love goggles, you will recognise many clues for a catfisher: For one thing, there are the carefully selected photos that catfisher use. Videos? No such thing. A lack of online presence can also be a clue: If there is neither an Instagram, TikTok, Facebook or LinkedIn profile, this usually speaks for a catfisher.
Use Google Image Search and add the pictures of your counterpart there: Does the real person behind the pictures live in the USA, for example, although your counterpart has told you something completely different? Is the person always inventing new excuses why he/she can’t meet you? Present your counterpart with a fait accompli and set ultimatums.
It becomes more dangerous when catfishing is used to bully you or to collect intimate information about you. With this information, the other person can blackmail you, for example by threatening to publish intimate material of you if you do not pay or do what the other person demands (“sextortion”). Some young people have already been driven to suicide with this scam. If a catfisher demands intimate material without providing any, you should be very careful.
Unfortunately, catfishing is not legally prohibited in its mildest form, but it is prohibited in its most vicious form. Extortion, coercion and the like are criminal offences. In these cases, it is essential to file a complaint. Perhaps contacting the person from whom the pictures were stolen can also help.
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Ask the other person for other social media profiles and giving ultimatums▶️ Enter profile pictures of the other person into Google Image Search.▶️ If criminal act (e.g. extortion): Police!▶️ If intimate material is published: contact the platform, if the platform refuses: call in a lawyer. |
Stalking
Social media has made it easy to follow strangers across multiple networks. That is why stalkers are unfortunately not so easy to get rid of. The reasons why someone stalks vary: however, it is often rejected men who stalk women: according to a study by the US Department of Justice, 80-90 % of perpetrators are male.
Stalking can happen at all stages, both in the chat phase and in the relationship and after a break-up. If the other person just won’t leave you alone, this is a sign of a stalker.
Reading tips:
Everydayhealth.com: 10 signs you are being stalked
Canton St. Gallen (German): Stalking
How to protect yourself
Unfortunately, stalkers are not so easy to get rid of. Don’t give out your private data before the first real date – this includes profiles on other networks and your phone number. Also, the first date should not take place at your home, but in public. Have gifts sent to a post office instead of your address.
If your counterpart has outed himself as a stalker while still in the chat phase, you can block the profile, but this does not stop a stalker from creating new accounts and contacting you from them. However, a certain amount of proactivity can’t hurt: Block the phone number (if available) and do a little Sherlock Holmes: Try searching his or her profile on other social networks and chat apps, even if you are not connected to him/her there. Search on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, Xing, TikTok etc. Check the privacy settings of your posts and profiles and make them private. If you use the same profile picture across multiple platforms, it is advisable to use a different profile picture for each medium (ideally without you in it), so that the stalker cannot associate these profiles to his/her person. Contact the dating platform’s customer service and save screenshots of the messages. Also warn family and friends and write a stalking diary with the dates and incidents.
In Switzerland, unlike in Germany, stalking is unfortunately not punishable per se. However, you can obtain a restraining order, which prohibits the stalker from approaching you under threat of punishment. Furthermore, a stalker can be prosecuted if he blackmails, coerces or harasses you (misuse of a telecommunications system, Art. 179septies).
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Block stalkers on all platforms▶️ Make own social media profiles and posts private▶️ Contact customer services of the platforms▶️ Keep a stalking diary▶️ Inform friends and acquaintances▶️ Save screenshots and ask for remote detention order▶️ Women’s and victims’ counselling centres such as https://www.opferhilfe-schweiz.ch/en/ |
Love Scammer
In recent years, a particularly malicious scam has taken hold of dating platforms and is aimed especially at gullible, older people: love or romance scamming. As with love bombing and catfishing, the other person appears nice, attentive, empathetic and sympathetic. But the alleged love does not exist. In some cases, the people behind the profiles are even real, but often they are based in Nigeria, Ghana or Turkey, although cases in your own country are not uncommon either. The scammers are only after your money. The scam can last for months or even years.
Once they have you wrapped around their finger, they ask for money. They pretend to have run into money problems during a business trip to a West African country (key words: Nigeria and Ghana) and that only you can help them. Alternatively, they ask for money for a plane ticket to visit you or for money for a supposedly necessary operation. It is not uncommon for real gangs to be behind love scammers.
Reading tips:
Axa: Love Scam: Protection against love scams on the internet
FBI: Romance Scams
How to protect yourself from love scamming
Unfortunately, the following also applies here: love is blind. And so, unfortunately, many people still fall for love scams. If your chat partner asks you for money, you should be suspicious: Why can only you solve his/her problem and not his/her family or friends?
You should also be suspicious if the bank details or email addresses do not match the country in which the other person lives: someone in the USA is unlikely to use a Nigerian email address (.ng instead of .com), bank or phone number (area code: +234). Check all payment details and information and ask for proof of distress. Never pay sums in Bitcoin or other cryptocurrencies. Never accept money transfers from the other person – you are committing money laundering!
If you have already transferred money, the chance of getting your money back is almost zero. Your bank and the police will usually not be able to help you. If you speak English, you can contact the respective banks and providers in the target country and possibly contribute to prosecution there, because these scams are usually also illegal in their country. The sooner the love scammers are put out of business, the better.
Whether successful or not: Save all messages and go to the police with them anyway. Unfortunately, many people do not go to the police out of shame, which is why the love scamming phenomenon is not considered a priority by the investigating authorities. A mistake!
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Never transfer money▶️ Do not accept any money either!▶️ If money has already been transferred: File a complaint, contact the bank, possibly also contact banks and authorities in the country of the offender. |
Identity theft/hacker attack
In the past, there have been more frequent attacks on dating platforms. Due to the large amount of personal and intimate information that users share there, they are an attractive target for hackers. There is relatively little you can do against hacker attacks, this is the responsibility of the dating provider. The biggest hacker attacks were on Ashley Madison and AdultFriendFinder in 2015. The latter was hacked again a year later, this time the data of 340 million profiles was accessed. Security researchers also keep discovering security holes in the source codes.
How to protect yourself from hacker attacks and identity theft
Always use 2-factor authentication where possible – whether on Facebook, Amazon, Netflix or (if available) on the dating platform of your choice. This adds an extra layer of security to your account. In addition, you should use your public data sparingly and keep profiles as private as possible. For example, if someone knows your name, they might find your Facebook and LinkedIn profile – and then where you work. LinkedIn is a quick way to find out your email address. And with a little patience and technical know-how, hackers can then find out your password for these accounts and access them – and grab even more data about you. In technical terms, this is called social engineering, social hacking or phishing.
Therefore: Don’t tell anyone your address, payment information (including TANs and 2FA codes) or passwords. Be careful with intimate photos or videos – delete them from the platform if you don’t use them for a while. Don’t let the other person pressure you into sending explicit material of you..
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Enable 2FA authentication wherever possible▶️ Share as little data as possible▶️ Always use different passwords▶️ You can find out if your account was part of a leak on sites like Have I Been Pwned. |
Unsolicited dick pictures
Women in particular can sing a song about this point: Even before a short “hi” or “hello” is sent by the male counterpart, you have to endure the sight of the man’s “best piece”. Unfortunately, this happens far too often on dating platforms like Tinder and Co: every second woman has received an unsolicited penis picture in her life!
Fortunately, in Switzerland the unsolicited sending of penis pictures is already punishable (pornography Art. 197 para. 2 StGB).
How to protect yourself from unsolicited penis pictures
Many police officers still don’t take the issue seriously enough, which is why many women don’t dare to file a complaint. To change this, Netzcourage has been offering a tool called NetzPigCock for some time now, with which you can file a complaint in just 60 seconds.
We also recommend that you mention this in your profile – often the threat alone serves as a deterrent. And even if it seems useful at first: You should never publish unwanted penis pictures without the man’s consent.
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Block users consistently▶️ Restrict contact options where possible. Look in the dating app settings for privacy settings▶️ NetzPigCock: File a complaint with the police |
High or hidden costs
Last but not least, we have to talk about the costs of dating platforms, because they are by no means low: With clever tricks, these platforms try to turn you into a paying customer. Depending on the dating platform, the fun will cost you several hundred francs! These “tricks” are legal, but they put the entire dating industry in a bad light.
How to protect yourself
As we have already written in our text about the most important dating apps: You should not be lured by discount and special offers. Even if the initial costs are higher, it is advisable to pay for monthly subscriptions rather than 3-, 6- or 12-month memberships. If you purchase these multi-month subscriptions via in-app purchases from Apple or Google, the term will be extended by the same number of months if you don’t cancel in time. So, if you have taken out a 12-month subscription, the subscription will be extended by a further 12 months. With a monthly subscription, you remain more flexible, can cancel at any time and save a lot of money over the course of the year. Because let’s be honest: Who uses the premium functions of a dating app for 12 months?
We also strongly advise against dating platforms such as ElitePartner, Parship and others, which only paying customers can use properly. The costs are several hundred euros, the terms are inflexible and in the case of contract revocations (“Widerruf”) these platforms often charge for loss of value. In Germany and Austria, some of the business practices of these dating providers have already been banned. You can find more information about this at the Reklamationszentrale Schweiz.
| What you should do |
| ▶️ Do not accept supposedly cheap, limited offers▶️ Use monthly payment ▶️ Do not take out multi-month subscriptions▶️ If you do: either cancel or terminate the subscription immediately and enjoy the benefits until the end of the term. |
Conclusion: Safe on the net – with our tips
As you can see, there are also a lot of dangers in online dating. Hackers and scammers are always coming up with new tricks with which they can take money out of the pockets of unsuspecting people. And the dating platforms themselves are also busy playing tricks. Even if love is blind, you should not be blinded by fancy profile pictures.
Go to the police if you have been a victim – whether it is love scamming, catfishing or stalking. Seek help from victim support centres. Some offer the possibility of anonymous contact.
